She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
