my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
