You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
