you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
please come you make the beer taste better
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Randomize
