whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
