i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
