and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
