to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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