Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
