I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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