We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
