I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
