honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
