she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
