the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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