dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
