your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
