Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
