he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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