it hurts more in the daytime
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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