and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
