jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
