Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
