Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
