before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Dignity is for republicans.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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