Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
