Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
