i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
