I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
