Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
