So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
