are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
