I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I checked into jail on foursquare
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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