He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
