Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
