My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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