oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
