You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
