I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
