After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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