God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
