I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
