we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
