Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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