I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
