i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
