The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
