She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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