I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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