highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
