I wish they made helmets for livers.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
