sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The chlamydia really affected his face.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Randomize
